love don't live here anymore

You always assume that when in a relationship, love is this inevitable thing will happen to both parties and all will be well but what happens when it's not? It's not that I don't believe in love or have this huge, undying hatred for it because I had "Daddy-issues" as a child but I just don't find it to be something that easy. I hear far too many people just blurt it out like it's nothing and it confuses me. Love is supposed to be this feeling of deep affection and adoration and yet people are all too willing to share this word with someone they've just met.

In my personal opinion, it seems this "love" nonsense has just become something for us to use when we need someone's attention. I've never said, "I love you" to anyone that I actually meant it to besides one exception but that's another story for another day.

My point is, I don't understand how we've managed to go from love being this powerfully incredible feeling that was saved for those who really meant and deserved it to something that we exchanged out for "good-bye". Don't get me wrong, I don't have much room to speak on this subject due to my lack of knowledge and compassion for people but at least I don't waste my words on people who don't deserve them. That's the worst crime of all in my book: wasted words.

cocaine identity

It seems I'm starting to lose touch with who I am more and more each day. I used to worry about it to such a disgusting degree but the more I think about it, the less I care. The more I fight this battle of identity the more I see how the score will never start to adjust itself in my favor. I never expected to be where I am today. I have too many addictions to keep up with and manage to hurt everyone around me but I don't care. My lack of emotion is overwhelming and as I write this now, I realize that I don't even care about the things I love to do anymore, they've just become habits.

I rarely leave the house anymore, or at least I try not to, in order to break away from the evils that will eventually destroy me but the whispers of ladies with power are far too tempting to confine me. Everyone around me keeps wondering why my health seems to be getting rapidly poor but I snap back with absurd answers. My brain no longer works they way it once used to and all I do is try to fight for it back. I've managed to lose those who said they cared about me but I figure if they actually cared, they would have stuck around.

Long story short, I've used and lost so many identities over the years. Cocaine keeps becoming sweeter as I keep changing and no one can catch up anymore, not even myself. I don't know which me I have created is the real one but I no longer care to find out. I just crave the desire to feel real again. I miss the sensation of air rushing through my lungs and actually getting emotional over something good as opposed to just becoming pissed off.

Some day I'll see myself and realize just how horrible I am and that's the day when I'll figure it out but for now, I'll just wait until that mirror finds me.